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Embracing Pettiness: Integrity Parenting With Anti-Values

Season 3, Episode 4

by Ashia R.
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In this episode:

Before we can integrate our activism into our care work, we need to get clear on our unique definition of integrity.

This week, we’re talking about:

  • How we stay responsive to current events without losing our shit.
  • Supremacist aphorisms that derail us from making impactful change.
  • Assignment: Find your core values by getting super petty
Ashia Ray
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This Week's 5-Minute Assignment

Name it & Commit:

Comment below or leave a voicemail

What are your anti-values?

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Additional resources from this episode

Episode Transcript

Hey friends this is the Raising Luminaries podcast with Ashia Ray and summer is for action!

Season Three summer! We are outside right now. So thank you for your patience while we do…

oh my gosh, there’s something dripping on me! there’s something dripping on me!!! Uuugghh!!!


Sorry [laughter] this is the earliest a podcast has ever fallen apart for me.

There are three small, loud children who smell so bad you can taste them (so I’m outside today). And they’re just fighting over the most petty bullshit (which is relevant to the theme because [laughter] we’re gonna get into our own petty bullshit today.)

Anyway, thank you so much for dealing with the sounds of birds and wind and other assorted truck passing noises, and me squealing because something just dripped on me again!!!


So today we’re talking about embracing pettiness to be a better human. And we’re going to talk a little bit about anti values.

[laughter] the title is a little bit tongue in cheek because obviously, the concept of being a better human are the right kind of humanism supremacist nonsense. But I’m just going to assume that you caught that [laughter] And we’re on the same page with that.

So in the last episode, as I slowly fell apart – I refuse to listen to it again. Because it’s very embarrassing – as I fell apart from heat, and just generally distracting nonsense, We talked about how to gather your wits and focus for a battle under relentless crashing waves of horror.

t happens a lot. So we need to collect ourselves. So if you have already developed a strategy, and developed coping mechanisms to get through the worst Latest News to get through personal tragedies, to get through sudden community needs, where you have to drop everything and scramble to find any sense of safety. Definitely share them with us, please?

Because I would love to boost your insight and your brilliance, you can leave a voicemail 781-342-0486 and we will share your insights or you can come on the podcast and come hang out with me and we can laugh real real hard about terrible things.

You can also leave a comment on the podcast post at

All these birds are looking at me with their beady eyes. And oh, you can tell they would. They would definitely pick my eyeballs out if they had the chance. Oooh I don’t like birds. Okay.

Relevant! We’re staying relevant to the topic here, which is how to keep our wits.

So this week, I promised that I would be back with the actual strategy. I got you riled up, I pointed out the importance of focusing on our core values, so we don’t get distracted. But I didn’t actually follow through with the strategy on how to do it.

I apologize for leaving you stranded. If this was something that you were looking forward to. Here we are today.

So we’re gonna self-regulate, using our core values as a North Star. So we can stop freaking out and do something.

Which is not to say – this is not me shaming anyone for freaking out and needing to hide underneath the covers for a little bit. This is not saying that it is bad (it is actually quite quite human) to freak out when terrible things happen, even if they’re not directly impacting you.

It is a reasonable response to be freaked out at things like the Supreme Court taking away all of our rights, and you know, the kind of stuff that you care about.

So first, let’s start with some scaffolding. What you need to know first is quickly – the concept of regulation and dysregulation. We use this a lot in terms of autistic meltdowns. But I think this applies to everybody.

In this case, when you’re a regulated, you are operating over 50% of your capacity, you’re able to take in information, you’re able to decide what to do with that information and then make a plan into steps of action.

Some of us have smaller windows of where we can say in regulation.

And some of us have, things like triggers and stuff like that – something that would cause you to become dysregulated.

So this is really helpful as parents, when we’re talking about naming for our kids, “Yourvoice is getting loud. You’re starting to not hear what we’re saying. You’re You keep repeating the same thing over and over,”

Like the whole hallmarks of what we identify our kids do when they’re dysregulated. Naming them for them and then being like, “this leads me to believe that maybe you’re dysregulated, how can I help you get regulated?”

Right? Unfortunately, we don’t have big grown ups who cook all of our meals and help us identify when we’re dysregulated. And then hold our hand as we self regulate.

So we’re just gonna have to do ourselves with the understanding that when we co regulate with our kids, that is setting the model, so they can regulate themselves in the future when we’re not around.

So basically, one way that you can tell that you’re dysregulated is you’re having some sort of a panic response.

There’s the standards, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, scream, and cry, and podcast incoherently! We all have our unique flavors of freaking out. [laughter]

For some of us, it means having a response that looks very quiet. Where our freakout just looks like nothing’s freaking out on the outside. And for people who tend to have that kind of response, it’s a little bit harder because people can’t identify it. And it’s harder for us to identify ourselves.

So we can take steps to regulate ourselves. So the first step, which I’m not even going to cover in this, because that’s a whole thing – is identifying when you’re noticing yourself fighting.

And that can include non physical fighting, but arguing with someone, getting defensive on the internet.

And then there’s flight, avoiding a situation preventatively, trying to get away from a situation, procrastination.

There’s freezing, which is an inability to move forward.

And all of these can come in little tiny versions.

So for me, when I get overloaded on news, or people are asking too much of me. Sometimes I just kind of shut down and stop, stop responding, stop taking in new information. Maybe I’ll get stuck in a loop where I just keep saying the same thing over and over and over again.

So another one is fun, which is a common response, particularly for those of us who fall into porous boundaries and codependence where our first reaction is to take care of someone, or kind of ‘love’ the violence out of out of something.

Which at first seems like a great idea, because we were told growing up to love our enemies and all kinds of over-simplified nonsense. But when other people are crossing your boundaries and freaking you out, that impulse to share and to care as a response – sometimes that can look like a knee jerk reaction, but feels like we are taking action to solve the problem. But in reality is just a trauma response or a dysregulation response.

Such as, like, “Oh, I see that this is happening. I’m going to spend the next three days of my existence signing petitions and sharing out this post and checking in with my friends,.”

Which is great, that sounds great, and it can be great. But if this response is driven by dysregulation, ultimately, it’s unsustainable and you’ll actually implode!

And that’s not what we’re going for. [laughter]

We’re going for sustainably integrating our parenting and activism in a way that is life affirming and not life threatening. Right? [laughter]

And then of course, one of my favorite go-tos which is just to scream and rant and cry and then podcasts incoherently!!!

Again, we’re all unique butterflies.[laughter]

Okay, so real quick. I just want to give a shout out because we are not in this alone and I hope that you have someone who reminds you of this. I have many people – one of them is Tricia L. who has always been there to back me up with my weird experiments from when we started at Books for Littles as a small Facebook group.

Oh my god bird. You’re so noisy. I’m sorry. I’m getting distracted. The bird is so noisy. Okay. [to bird] Just play it cool!

[laughter] So sorry, I just can’t think. [laughter] I get so distracted

So Tricia L is joining us for the summer accelerator because I have [laughter] failed spectacularly in so many different ways and we’re going to talk about how that’s actually kind of fine for the summer accelerator. Which which does start I think on the 11th, not next Monday but the Monday after.

I launched at the wrong time, right when school was letting out. Everyone who joined the waitlist and who was definitely going to join realize that summer happened and I didn’t remind them enough. So they scheduled other things during that time. I didn’t set the dates early enough.

Anyways, [laughter] which all turns out that we’re extending the enrollment period until the eighth, because we have two slots open.

Tricia is going to join me because [laughter] I kind of need people to join who are going to be okay if I fail spectacularly at this, and they won’t hate me forever. And I can trust Tricia to do that.

There’s something to be said for people who are just a steady, quiet presence who are just there for you when you need to say – get over your weird fear of email, such as [laughter] when Tricia actually sat with me on Zoom for an hour while, I went through my inbox because I was panicking so much about email for some reason?

That’s friendship. Anyway. Thank you, Tricia. [laughter]

Okay. So let’s talk about, oh, quickly, just as a reminder about why we care about keeping your wits about us and why we care about identifying our core values. And what motivates us

Is because supremacy culture teaches us to be invested in results.

If you want someone to join something, you have to promise results, because results are the currency that we care about.

Results can be quantified in dollars, they can be quantified in the clicks and likes and the number of people who show up to things.

But we’re not going to be focused on results. Because ultimately, [laughter] if all we’re focused on is results, we’re gonna shave some corners. Is that is that the phrase? cut some corners to get to the results.

And what we really need to focus on is the process. How are we moving to the future that we want to see?

By setting that example, we model it for our kids, we model it for the people we work with. And then we can live with integrity with a little bit less shame and self disgust and, you know, falling apart.

So unfortunately, in our current culture that is so focused on results, we tell people to focus on goals, right?

And if we don’t meet our goals that tends to make or break us, gosh, okay, now I’m having memories from the last podcast, I must have said that 10 times, I am so sorry.

And we ended up just brittle. Small setbacks, large setbacks, it doesn’t matter the size of the setback – can devastate us.

And then when that happens, when we get the feedback of our results, instead of bouncing back and starting again, and trying to tweak something, we just have that that panic response, the fight or flight or fawn, and whatever the things that I listed before.

So if we want to stay on our toes, if we want to stay responsive, particularly for those of us who are neurodivergent, in a way that we tend to see things in black and white, we tend to [laughter] we tend to need our routines and our rituals, and we need to know what to expect.

Particularly for those of us who have a very hard time with sudden changes. With things not working out the way that they were promised.

We need to develop a response plan to gather our wits, stay focused on what matters and tweak the process so we can move forward.

So today, we’re going to talk about how do we model that resilience for our kids. And then I’m going to tell you about that after…. ::sings:: do do do do good ideas to avoid

::: bumpin’ intro music:::

Okay, are we ready?

Oh, I don’t want to set this up. Don’t –

Lower your standards. I need to let’s lower some expectations real quick, okay? The mischievous giggle kind of implies I’m going to be saying something more witty than I am.

So today’s good idea to avoid is just like I do, which I actually do I do not avoid this –

Is start your day by asking,” What would a basic white lady do?”

And if you are a basic white lady, I am interested to see what would be your spin on this? Like… what would a basic white man do? I don’t know what, as we level up and privilege, your process would be.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

So I have a problem as an autistic person with executive functioning disabilities – getting started. Once I have more than one thing that I have to do, my brain panics and seizes up, because I cannot hold that fact, of needing to do two things in my brain, even though I know I have more than say, two things worth of time or resources to get them done.

Just can’t. Brain just can’t handle it. My brain is very linear focused.

So one of the ways that I get over that hump – that freakout hump where I tend to just hide in a corner and make lists of things, to coddle myself, is I get started by doing a process I call “What would Catherine do?”


If you don’t remember, I’ll link in the show notes. I have an anti-var, which is like andeal audience avatar, except her name is Catherine and she’s an antiwar, and she’s the exact opposite of who I want in my space and who I want to deal with every day.


So it’s okay, this fits with the theme because I promise we get petty and I’m getting petty. And I just want to be real clear #NotAllCatherines, we have a lot of really great Catherines in our in our community. [laughter]

This is based on an actual real life mediocre Catherine who curates a life of ease in a world without politics and injustice. I found her on the internet, we do not know each other. She does not know that I know she exists. It is not a member of our community do not worry.

Basically, but you know the type like. Curated Instagram feeds. They make everything look simple and easy. Catherine lives in a world without politics.

What Catherine does every day is not impacted at all by what’s happening in her community, what legislation is being passed.

She shows no responsibility, or at least gives the illusion of showing no responsibility for how she moves about the world impacting the rest of the world or taking on the flavor of what’s going on.

It’s just you know, “let’s learn how to meditate.”

And it’s about it’s about Catherine, it’s about Catherine’s well being. More power to you, Catherine. But [laughter]

But also disregulating and stressful and I tend to compare myself to people who look like they’ve got their shit together.

So when I’m melting down because of scary legislation that is actively killing people, and I see that someone else is doing just fine.

I tend to project the idea that they know the same thing that is going on that I do. They care just as deeply. They’re just not perturbed by it because in the background, they’re doing something about it.

Catherine is not that. Catherine is giving that illusion that she genuinely just does not give any fucks [laughter]

So knowing that Catherine does not give a fuck, and is very comfortable in her basicness, [laughter] everytime I start to feel frustrated – usually every day, in the morning as soon as I wake up,

I’m like “there’s too much to do!”

I start by asking myself “Well, what would Catherine do?”

Because as a basic white woman who just doesn’t give a fuck. Catherine is willing to take the easiest and quickest shortcuts to get to whatever she needs to do.

She has a task. She is a #GirlBoss ::retches:: gross.

And Catherine is willing to copy other people’s work. Catherine is willing to do the bare minimum Catherine is willing to produce things without worrying how is this going to hurt people or impact people.

Catherine does not give any shits about copyright infringement. [laughter] And I type out a two sentence – this has become a journal. It’s become a full diary journal at this point. Catherine has her own planner and a Google document my life. [laughter]

and it just basically says like, “Oh, I need to notify these folks. I need edit this website, I need to apologize to this person who I offended”

Except in Catherine’s world, Catherine needs to ride her bike to the beach, do brunch with some friends and then write a navel gazing blog post.

And when I look at my imaginary Catherine’s itinerary for the day, I think you know what?

The world’s still okay with Catherine. Catherine has every right to be here, even though Catherine is this is [sign] again, I’m being petty…

Kind of a worthless human being [laughter]

I will fight for Catherine’s rights, I am happy that Catherine is here. And Catherine has unconditional worth and value as a human being.

And if she can do stuff, like brunch all day and not give a shit about voting, then no matter what I do today, no matter how hard I fail, and how much I mess up, it will be okay.

Because if Catherine has a right to be here, so do I.

So that’s kind of the premise and the feeling that I get from that. It is very freeing to just start out my day with “Well, what would Catherine do?” [laughter]

through the lens of – if Catherine had the same responsibilities I did, but just gave less shits and was willing to not try that hard?

I don’t know something about it just just helps me get that first initial push into getting started.

So I actually have a whole process that moves from “What would Catherine do?” to reviewing the things I need to do, making the decisions, taking the action – and it’s actually how I get through my day and get a lot a lot of things done.

Not like that makes me a better person, but I just do tend to get a lot of things done.

If you’re interested in that framework. I can make a whole podcast about it. Just leave a voicemail or comment in the post and let me know.

Because I’m not going to volunteer that if no one actually cares. [laughter]

[laughter] Okay, so #NotAllCatherines, [laughter] #GirlBoss and [laughter] good ideas to avoid: starting your day with “What would Catherine do?”

:: ironic music that suggests this is a serious podcast with well-formed ideas ::

Do you like that?

I added another little sound.

[laughter] We’re getting so fancy here. Oh gosh, okay, [laughter] well get prepared, get prepared, five people who listen to this podcast, [laughter]

We’re gonna talk about why we get distracted and what we’re trained to do in the current culture that we live in.

So there are three of those kind of disgusting metaphors that always kind of make my skin crawl, that remind me of the culture that we live in, and how it’s focused on supremacy and oppression.

One of them is ‘eyes on the prize.’

Another one is ‘strike while the iron is hot.’

Another one is ‘keep your head down’

and irrelevant. But this is my most hated one of all ‘leaving money on the table.’ [disgusted sounds] gross.

These – what are these, metaphors? aphorisms? whatever these terms are?

They kind of encapsulate some problems with the way that we’re moving through the world if we want to develop a more inclusive society.

So when you think about someone telling you to ‘keep your eyes on the prize,’ – for me, it brings to mind visions of vision boards, and goal setting, and checklists.

And all of this stuff that says, like holding intentions in your mind and letting the universe come to you, which – that’s great. That’s awesome. But [laughter]

But here’s the thing – even if we create a crystal clear vision of what we want, the actual hard part is the step by step processes on how do you get there?

Particularly if you have some executive functioning disabilities, if you have other challenges, if the world is designed to kill you, it is not enough to hold intentions and and think from an abundance mindset.

We actually fall into over-planning, procrastination, getting paralyzed by all of these ideas, in which case, you need us just -[laughter] just start writing down “what would Catherine do?”

But without an actual strategy to get from here to there, it’s an oversimplification to say “just keep your eyes on the prize.” Right?

So another one “strike while the iron is hot,” which is basically kind of like a Carpe Diem, sort of nonsense situation like “grab EVERY opportunity!”

Fosters that fear of missing out feeling. And what that does is just it – kind of makes me feel like I need to take on more things.

And I do not need to take on more things. YOU do not need to take on more things. None of us needs more things to do.

But unfortunately, when we have that concept of ‘strike, while the iron is hot,’

Like “Oh, this is in the news right now- this terrible event that we have been educating people on and advocating about for many years – it’s a current event, which means we need to drop our long term plans. Drop what we are working on. And shift over and respond to the people who are finally paying attention.”

And that is great. And that is a great role for some people. But for some of us, we just don’t think that fast, and it ends up distracting us.

And also, there are new terrible things happening every minute of every day. So where’s the cut off?

Another little phrase that trains us to think in terms of a capitalist supremacist mindset is ‘keeping your head down.’

So actively trying not to learn too much about the systems that we are operating in, because once we know, then we will have to do something about it. And that seems terrifying. Because we do not have the capacity to do – again – to do any more things than we are already doing.

Oh, I wish I had a study to cite but I have heard (this is probably fake news., I dunno) that people of my persuasion, more liberal and progressive bend, we tend to keep our heads in the sand a little bit more in terms of the corruption and problematic aspects of the system that we are working within.

And the reason for that is because we feel a responsibility to change things. How will we live with ourselves if we are telling people we want to change the world to be more inclusive, if we’re also complicit in systems that are harming people?

Which we talked a little bit before, like how do you operate in a culture based in toxic oppression and hypocrisy without just crumbling into a pile of tears?

or incoherent podcasts?

So instead of doing this. instead of the ‘eyes on the prize’ and ‘striking while the iron is hot’ and ‘keeping your head down’

and ‘leaving money on the table’ [laughter]

What if we got invested and excited about the process?

Instead of the goal that we’re striving towards?

What if we integrate what we care about and what we love to do into the work that we’re doing so it doesn’t matter so much what the process is.

And this isn’t to say that people dying because of completely disgusting legislation doesn’t matter.

But we won’t have our entire identity and everything that we do tied into the result, and the decisions that we have no control over.

And we will be able to get back up after a good cry, and then keep working on the process that we have faith in, to get to a better future.

[laughter] You know, like you do.

So what if we identify how to work with integrity to dismantle corrupt systems from the inside, while also holding space for our hypocrisy, and the things that we need to be complicit in>

For example, using Amazon affiliate links, staying on Facebook, participating in capitalism by buying groceries, we need to do these things to operate, to connect with our people , to feed our kids.

So how do we hold space for that hypocrisy? That’s actually something we discuss in the winter incubator, which is very helpful.

Okay. So [laughter] I promised I would teach you how to DIY your on summer parent activist accelerator. So let’s talk about one of the strategies that we use.

In terms of focusing on the process, I find the best way to do that is to really clarify, name, and remind yourself of your core values.

Core values are the stuff that you would believe in despite shakeups in culture, despite who you’re hanging out with, despite identity changes and circumstances that completely upend your life. This is not something that ebbs and flows,

although you know, what, if you want to change your core values, you go for it.

So another thing that we do is, once we identify our core values in the summer accelerator, we try and unpack and tease out which one of them are feeding the that sense of ‘should’ – that sense of obligation, because we were raised to believe that we should have these values, and we’re performing because we’re afraid of what people would think of us, or how we would be removed from the community, or punished if we didn’t pretend to have these core values and operate as if we did

And in which ones are truly integral to us. And we want to have the courage to live in accordance with those core values, regardless of the punishment?

[laughter] I know that when we think about like, “Oh, just identify your core values.”

First of all, that sounds hard, how do you get started? don’t worry, we will figure it out.

But also, it sounds a little self helpy and kind of Tony Robbins-y [grossed out sound] there.

So let’s divorce this from the capitalism and that sense of, ‘be the best you can be. produce the most you can produce.’

When I think of identifying my core values, which I had [laughter] I had to do for this accelerator. It feels tedious.

And my knee jerk reaction is blech, gross, because growing up in a majority Christian culture, is you have this sense of ‘virtues,’ and some, some values are good, some values are bad, and you want to live a virtuous, righteous life.

And that’s gross, because, and I want to be very clear about this, there are no bad values

There are just the ones that are integrated into your sense of you, right?

So you can have core values that are diametrically opposed to mine, and neither one of us has bad values. And that’s, it’s really hard to accept that.

But it gets a lot easier to deal with opposition when it comes to activism, and determining how we operate as humans into the future.

Once you accept that the people you are fighting against are not better or worse than – the things that they want are not objectively better or worse.

For me, the people I’m against are okay with causing suffering. And I am not okay with causing suffering. I am not okay with sitting back and waiting while other people suffer. I would like to mitigate suffering.

That said, that doesn’t mean suffering is bad. Does that make sense? I don’t know.

So we have to hold space for the fact that if we’re going to explore our own values, we can’t put – ironically, we can’t put a value judgment on them, [laughter] if that makes sense?

A quantity of good and bad. Because that concept of ‘good and bad,’ those binaries of superior and inferior? That’s supremacy culture! and we’re trying to do something different here.

I know, I know. It’s hard and it’s complicated. It’s okay. It’s okay if you need to take a break and come back to it.

The thing is [laughter] we all have an internalized resistance against people pushing their beliefs on us and telling us what we should believe.

But if we’re going to do that we need to get really clear on what we do believe because otherwise, you’re just kind of like a little kid shouting “NO” at every offer of what we could make for dinner.

And then you’re just being an asshole. Don’t be an asshole.

Can you tell that I’ve been dealing with children? They’re just so loud, [laughter]

And here’s the other thing – Cool folks know what they’re about.

Think of the people who you admire, and the people who actually make your life better. And the people who are worth following, and the people who inspire you every day – those people are very clear on their values.

They know exactly what they’re about. They know exactly who they are and how to work in accordance with their values.

Even if they express uncertainty. Because uncertainty does not mean that you don’t know what your core values are.

My alarm interrupted this recording. I’m sorry.

Enthusiastically crabby podcast!!! Here we are, we are here for it.

Expressing uncertainty is a sign that you’re actually examining your core values and trying to think about how to live in accordance with them. It does not mean that you’re not clear on what those actual values are.

So now that we know the cool people know their core values, and it’s important to – let’s learn how to [laughter]

luckily, in the summer accelerator, I created a framework to make it actually really fun.

I’m going to give you like a sneak peek into our chapter one, which is the first week – Caper one, first of five capers of the week:

Sneak peek discovery reflection guidebook. It’s a PDF download, you can go into the raising, and then this episode, and you’ll find the download button.

This is not homework. It’s just a set of fun thought experiments to get your juices flowing.

That’s such a gross term. Ew. I’m so sorry for that. I apologize. That was inappropriate! [laughter]

Okay, get a grip!

So in that reflection, we talk about how to examine our anti values.


Just like we have just like Catherine is my anti var, and she has all of the values that I am bleh on. Sometimes we need to figure out what we don’t like and what grosses us out, in order to find out what we do like and what we actually see as integrity, right?

And then the fun part is – finding out what motivates us. So we don’t get distracted and derailed with tempting bullshit – using our most petty impulses of judging other people and competing with other people. [laughter]

So I created some fun rants on that, that PDF download.

So once we determine our anti values, [laughter] it gets a little bit clearer and easier to determine ‘What is the opposite of that? What is the thing that I’m seeking?’

What does it look like to live in accordance and run every decision in my life through that lens?

And it does actually get easier? I know, it sounds tedious to be like, “What do I want for dinner, let me check my six core values!”

It actually does over time in small incremental ways get easier and easier to live in full integrity with those values.

And then most importantly, revisit them – which is why we have a summer accelerator.

[distracted] That bird sounds like a squeak toy [laughter]

Is to revisit and check in with ourselves and make sure that they’re we’re actually working with integrity, in accordance with our core values. And also our core values are actually core to us. And not just something that we picked up like internalized bias from the culture that we’re raised in.

I mean, we did pick up our core values from the culture we’re raised in, but which ones actually feel good to participate in and which ones feel a little bit icky.

So if you’re interested – other things that we cover, [laughter] in that first week of the summer accelerator, which I did not get a chance to cover in this podcast, – is unpacking whether our core values are integral to who we are or internalized bias or both. Dismantling martyrdom saviorism and resentment as an activist, an accountability process for beginners – simple steps to developing an accountability process, not a huge document just working from where we are, how to get honest with ourselves and each other for radical transparency so we can build trust in our collaborations.

So if doing that yourself – doing a little DIY summer accelerator sounds exhausting, you can feel free to join us. Enrollment is open until the eighth or until we run out of space.

So in summary, invest your hopes and dreams into the process, not the outcome of your activism.

And same for parenting. I know it’s really hard to be like, “be where your kids are.” And it’s really hard not to get invested in what kind of people we are trying to raise.

But in raising kind and courageous people we can get in love with the process of raising them in ways that are kind and courageous. And then just having faith that they will model the behaviors that they see from us without deciding what courage and kindness looks like and then prescribing that for our kids.

And then another thing we did today was clarifying core values, which helped us identify and avoid distracting derailments. And again, that PDF download will help you do that step by step. It’s quick and easy, and also fun and maybe really fun to do with some friends

And then jump into the deliciousness of weaponizing our pettiness to clarify our core values instead of some high and mighty self help nonsense.

So you’ll find everything you need in the show notes.

There’s transcripts, there’s links, there’s bonus resources. There’s that PDF download about determining our core motivation and values, visit

And if you want to join the accelerator, the enrollment period is open until July 8 On Friday,.

If you had tried to, and the sliding scale codes did not work for you, because I am terrible at internetting. I apologize, try again, I fixed it.

We have a full range of sliding scales for people because the deciding factor on whether or not you participate and get to join us should not be determined by your income.

And then yeah, coming up next, we will talk a little bit about what we do in chapter two of the summer accelerator, finding our lanes.

Subscribe if you also want… oh yeah, go on to the website, and subscribe to the mailing list, because I’m going to send out the orientation process for our summer accelerator.

I make it so that way, we can all join together and learn how to move forward. But if you’re interested about the summer accelerator and you want to DIY it, or you’re just interested in some strategies to get over that sense of panic, there’s actually some really good stuff in the orientation process that I’m going to be publishing on Monday.

So that’s going to be live all next week. And then I’m going to shut it back down on Friday.

But for subscribers to the email list, and Patreon and all the people who have shown up for me, I would like to show up for you and I’m making that free and accessible all next week.

All you have to do is subscribe on the on the website to the email list. Okay. [laughter]

And so, your call to action, your five minute call to action for today is tell us what are your anti values?

I am SO curious, I would really like this. [laughter]

If you download the workbook, you’ll see that my antivalues include waterfalls, and oh, I can’t remember them now. [laughter] Purity culture, that sort of stuff.

What are your anti values? I am so curious, because let’s just get petty and vent about the shitty things that people do that we disagree with. [laughter]

So you can leave a comment on the website

That must be burned into your head by now I’m sorry I say it so often. or leave a voicemail at 781-342-0486

And yeah [listening to annoying bird sound], like that bird said …Bye!

[laughter] This podcast is never gonna get better. Don’t hang around if you’re waiting for it to get less crappy. [laughter]



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Stay Curious, Stand Brave & Smash The Kyriarchy

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What are your anti-values?

Stay Curious, Stand Brave & Smash The Kyriarchy

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Igniting the next generation of kind & courageous leaders
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