Let’s stop pretending we have our shit together.

We are not here to compete. Your Best Self is NOT INVITED to this party where the rest of us are showing up as our full selves. 

If wearing fancy underpants and using the only nice corner of your home as your Zoom background  helps you focus – you do you!

However – notice and acknowledge when you’re curating and minimizing yourself.

• > It’s okay to huff and puff as you record an on-the-go video message!
  
  
• > It’s okay to use your natural speaking voice, to say ‘um‘ and ‘like‘ and cuss and ramble!
  
  
• > It’s okay to shut off your screen and just use voice or written responses.
  
  
• > It’s better to respond in the moment with half-baked thoughts while you’re nursing instead of procrastinating until ‘things calm down.’ (They won’t.)

Show up as yourself,  in your real space in whatever way helps us focus.

This Summer will be unlike all other summers.

So we’ll rearrange our spaces to create shady nooks, wear our favorite summer outfit, bring a tasty sandwich, and take a few deep breaths before entering our shared space.

For our live hangouts, take five minutes to prepare for our time together, as if heading out for a group walk, or gathering with close friends who don’t mind a messy table.

What small adjustments can you tweak to make our time together different?

Some examples:

• > Light: Find a cool dark room as a respite for the heat, or bring your laptop outside during our hangouts to enjoy the sunshine.
  
  
• >Touch & Pressure: Add some cozy pillows to your favorite patio lounger. Grab your softest sarong and a glass of your favorite kombucha. Invite the dog to hang out with you. Bring your favorite fidget toys, or work on a low-attention knitting project to keep your hands busy.
  
  
• > Sound: Find a spot away from the kids’ cartoons and the nosy neighbors, your favorite window that allows you to enjoy more birdsong and less dump trucks. Zoom will block most background noises, but you can adjust your settings.
  
  
• > Smell: Avoid kitchens or bathrooms if you can, bring in a smell that you find comforting or energizing – cut some fresh flowers, light your favorite citronella candle, make some iced chai, or cut up some fruit.

We’ve jumped through hoops to be together – arranging childcare, taking vacation time, saying ‘no’ to other opportunities, and setting alarms.

This community can only build trust if we stay present and respect each other’s time. Commit to staying present and giving each other the respect of our full attention.

During our polo discussions and live hangouts, we make a proactive effort to shut out distractions- while giving our bodies permission to move.

Creative examples:

For catching up on Caper videos & polo discussion messages

• > Set daily alarms to go for a walk while listening to caper videos & polo messages.
  
  
• > Give yourself permission to send several small messages on the fly instead of scripting a perfect response.
  
  

For staying present during live hangouts:

• > Grab everything yuou need to nurse and care for infants during our live hangouts. Have a plan for inevitable toddler invasions.
  
  
• > Silence phones, disable alarms and notifications. Place other devices in another room.
  
  
• > Don’t volunteer, take on a last-minute shift, or double-book yourself during the time you had set aside for checking in with other members.
  
  

The world will always demand our attention, so get creative and unapologetic about showing up for each other.

Cracks are how the light gets in!

We build trust by creating space for conflict and healthy repair. This is how we model resilience for our kids.

You are invited (but not compelled) to share your stories and reflections. Be willing to take risks, to say the wrong thing, to provoke a challenge, to piss each other off – but you’re never obligated to retraumatize yourself for another member’s edification.

Maybe discomfort looks like disagreement. Or awkward silence. Or  resisting false urgency and moving slower. Or taking action before we feel prepared.

Notice, name, and hold space for your discomfort without pushing it (or each other) away.

If we can’t handle our own reactions to seeing someone in pain, we may try to solve each others’ problems with advice, information, or volunteering unwanted services.

We’re here to hold space for each other to reclaim our agency and solve our own problems – not to fix, rescue, or save each other.

Unsolicited advice can be is insulting – everyone here is smart – so they’ve probably already thought of and tried your first brainstorm ideas.

Explaining why this advice won’t work forces targeted folks to  disclose private info on how this situation is different than your aunt’s-friend’s-dentist who had a similar problem.

Even if with good intentions, unsolicited advice demands emotional labor. Let’s not force folks who are already having a hard time to defend themselves and their choices.

Instead – listen and respect each other’s lived experiences.

Share our own similar experiences and emotions – without attempting to adjust another’s experience or feelings about their own obstacles.

Ask ‘are you looking for advice or resources?‘  Get consent before suggesting your solutions.

Let’s get curious about the diverse ways we process and take on this work.

We have been trained to respond with discomfort, avoidance, offense, shock, anger, or revulsion when folks challenge our most toxic cultural norms. So let’s breathe through it, and accept this gift of disagreement as a way to understand the bigger system.

We can’t expose or heal the flaws in our system, in our selves, if we’re unwilling to get curious about choices and behavior we don’t understand.

Cheerfully disagree about practices and methods, celebrate our unique perspectives, and get excited about the opportunities that come from being challenged.

Get curious about your reactions and what they teach you about yourself and your assumptions.

Content warnings DO NOT mean topics are completely off-limits.

Many of us are driven toward activism as a form of trauma mastery – to reclaim control over situations that continue to harm and disregulate us.

Warnings give us an opportunity to assess whether we’re too stressed to handle a certain topic, or have the energy to engage in a brave-space conversation. Giving each other a chance to consent, to delay, or to nope out of potentially retraumatizing situations.

If you’d like to discuss stories relating to the following topics, please make sure to include a general topic content warning so we can brace ourselves:

• > Physical injuries & surgeries
• > Injections
• > Blood
• > Childhood food neglect, food insecurity & famine

If you have lived experience with a hardship, targeted identity, or obstacle, and you’re willing to recommend a resource on how we can support you, comment below with your suggestions or submit an anonymous message on how fellow members can normalize accessiblity within our space.