Today we’re talking about

• Why we start small & focus on setting limits over growth
• Pre-approving derailments so we don’t become self-absorbed despots
• Setting conditions to narrow our training regimen

Hello friends!

Welcome to the 5th and final caper of chapter 4 developing a regenerative training regimen to expand our growth zone!

Today we’re talking about

• Why we start small & focus on setting limits over growth
• Pre-approving derailments so we don’t become self-absorbed despots
• Setting conditions to narrow our training regimen

Tiny expansions

Remember when we created a responsive accountability process, instead of creating this complex network of unmaintainable standards, we started by tackling challenges that exist for us now. Same principle for developing a regimen to expand our courage and develop our skills – tiny expansions

Here’s an example of how we pull together the concepts from our first four chapters:

On the why and the who: I center misfit parents igniting the next generation of kind & courageous humans to smash the kyriarchy.

On where and which actions I take: My wizardry involves zooming out to understand the systemic barriers that prevent us from smashing the kyriarchy. And then zooming in on how we can transform small actions into collective change.

My role in this work is a custodian – the person who creates and maintains virtual brave spaces where we can gather. I stock the mental paper towels and basic supplies our members need (in the form of group norms and resources) so they can come together and connect.

My training regimen involves deep stretches of joyful exertion – writing articles, creating guidebooks, recording videos and creating resources – some of it is tedious, but the purpose behind it is joyful, and the exertion of infodumping fits my fixer skills. Through this production, I center misfit parents, and the social part is challenging enough to stay at the the edge of my abilities.

To fuel this work, I balance exertion with aimless puttering both alone and with my kids. Going for daily walks, puttering in the garden, and messing around with infographics. 

Any initiative, fundraiser, or volunteer position that does not directly create or maintain brave spaces for misfit parents is not my job. Either I can delegate that work to my conspirators or leave that opportunity alone for someone better equipped to pick up.

I did not plan this all out ahead of time. I did not decide on the group norms, the topics for our resources, or the framework for the strategies for how to overcome the challenges our members ask for help with before I launched Books for Littles. I focused on the people, created a space around them, and kept tweaking to make it accessible as obstacles popped up..

We started Books for LIttles in 2014 as a Facebook group with less than 20 parents to talk about children’s books. I didn’t even choose the first book we talked about. But I did take on the responsibility of making engagement accessible and responsive to the most targeted parents in our space. 

I focused on the process, and then the collaborators, accomplices, conspirators, and friendships developed from there. I set a vision for the future: smash the kyriarchy. I opened up about what makes me weird while committing to a regimen of research, decisions, taking action, and taking public accountability for this work.

I determined my ‘don’ts’ early. Don’t center the most powerful person in the space. Don’t recommend books my kids can’t personally test. Don’t try to satisfy folks who aren’t trying to ignite leaders.

If I had hung my hopes on results – advocating for a certain number of rainbow queer books published each year, maintaining a specific membership growth, converting followers into paying supporters, or meeting my future-besties, we would have grown…larger. But we wouldn’t have grown into our power.

Currently, the Raising Luminaries community (and this is a fact) is by far the hippest, most kind and courageous awesome space filled with kyriarchy-smashing caregivers raising young leaders. No one is more awesome than the folks in our community. we’ve set the bar TOO high – everyone else I meet is just so disappointing. That’s because I’ve designed these brave spaces so that engaging here, as fun as it is – requires tiny expansions and actions that push us to reclaim our agency and grow into our power.

Tiny expansions, lots of failure, and incremental improvements. We built a responsive accountability process around every failure, every time we got caught up in performative action and busywork.

–

In the previous chapters we talked about derailments when we’re trying to avoid or recover from them. Eerlier, we talked about hard limits – our to-don’ts.

But sometimes we need to set pre-approved derailments so we don’t become self-absorbed despots.

If we build derailments into our discipline, we can avoid becoming rigid and close-minded. But the trick is to schedule them in, not get sucked into any call for help that passes by.

Pre-approved derailments give us the space and responsive ability to swerve and pivot according to the changing needs of the folks we center.

That’s why Raising Luminaries has all kinds of failed and fizzled derailments – like the Student Ignition Society, a brave space for educators – I knew I’m not equipped to maintain a space for educators, so I pivoted to a model where I’m not the only custodian caring for the space. It was fine but not my best work. The results we got from that process taught me how to be a better custodian on my own.

So while we’re deciding what’s worth being terribly difficult and rigid about – what is worth staying flexible over? And how can we set conditions to limit that flexibility so we can stay in our lane?

In the guidebook, we’ve got a few scripts for how to set conditions before we pick up new responsibilities, but also how to adjust the conditions for current responsibilities that are blasting through our boundaries.

Conditions allow us to say YES! While also getting honest about the resources and support we need to show up in a way that is life-affirming, not life-draining.

Conditions allow us to protect our power in a situation where folks like us have been expected to set ourselves on fire to keep others warm. When we set conditions, we clear a path for every person like us to self-advocate in a way that’s sustainable and regenerative.

Part of getting radically transparent with our collaborators means no longer pretending we’re super human. We’re not not complaining when we’re stating facts about how much it costs us to provide our labor and wizardry.

Good collaborators want us to be safe and healthy, and they appreciate knowing what they’re really asking of us. 

But people are difficult – and sometimes folks let us down. We’ll agree to collaborate, they’ll agree to our conditions – and then they will blast through our boundaries.

In which case – it’s a good thing we have difficult personalities, and made sure to aggressively set expectations ahead of time and get clear about consequences. Find a starter script for that in the guidebook.

I use this both with my collaborators and with my kids. 

“Sure – I will buy you those batman dress if you’re actually gonna wear it! But if you don’t wear it once a for the next six months, I’m docking your allowance until it’s paid off.”

Or, “Kiddo because you never washed your lunch dishes, I don’t have the plates I need to serve you dinner. Wash them when you get hungry, I guess.”

If we get up front about the consequences of flaking on us – and how we refuse to pick up the slack BEFORE they fail to show up, we don’t have to be brain parasites taking responsibility for everyone else’s mistakes.

In the guidebook, you’ll find some scripts to get started and some space to create conditions.

Meanwhile – join us in the comments or the polo group – what are ya gonna do next?

Tool Kits

• Reflection Activity Ideas
• The ‘No’ Protocol
• Luminary Brain Trust Accountabili-Buddies
  Next round starts August 15, 2022. Grab an empty column in the Aug-Sep tab and add your info
• Anti-procrastination toolkit

Recommended Reading
Includes Bookshop Affiliate links

• Habit Stacking